As I near the end of my time in Italy, I find myself reflecting on the stupendous power of choosing to look backwards.
It often surprises when people proclaim that looking back when things go wrong is somehow unhelpful. I’ve heard it so many times, in life and in business: “Forget about the past and move on”.
I have HUGE issues with this idea. Partly because I think its unhelpful advice for anyone struggling to deal with a difficult period in their life, but also because it’s evidentially complete and utter bollocks, at least for any rational, intelligent, neurotypical person. After all, many psychotherapy treatments, encourage people to look back at their lives and childhoods. Why would they do this if looking back is unhelpful?
The indisputable truth is that things rarely, if ever, go wrong in a microcosm. People may come and go from our lives, but we persist, and for good or bad, we are actors in our own stories.
We all do it; when shit happens, it’s tempting to fall into a psychological safety net and choose to ignore difficult truths. We might apportion blame for unwanted events at the feet of others. But if we’re honest with ourselves, it’s very likely that our own decisions and actions will have contributed to whatever situation we find ourselves in. If that’s the case, it’s an unassailable truth that, to move forward, we first need to reflect honestly on our part in events and learn from them, if we’re to avoid repeating mistakes and go on and lead a better life.
Or, to put it another, perhaps more familiar way, trying to make lemonade when life gives you lemons might be a worthy sentiment, but to make lemonade, you need a recipe, and the best recipes come from trial and error; they come from learning what works and what doesn’t; they come from experience.
Whether at work or in our personal lives, experience is the learning we gain from objective observation of facts and events. Experience is, by its very nature, an exercise in self and situational reflection that must necessarily guide our future actions, if we’re to thrive in this world.
If we fail or refuse to look back and acknowledge our part in past events, if we simply “move on” without a moment for introspection, if don’t seek to learn from our errors and make necessary attitudinal or behavioural changes, then it’s inevitable that history will repeat itself and we will live an unfulfilling life.
This year, my personal journey of self-reflection led me back to my origins.
Seeking to reconnect with who I am and to remind myself of my values, I travelled to Poggibonsi, the hometown of my Italian family in Tuscany. I planned to be here for ten days, but quickly found myself immersed in my family’s Italian heritage, and ten days turned into a month. Being in this place reminds me of my working-class roots. It reminds me of my values: respect for others, hard work, common sense, decency, tolerance, loyalty, and above all else, honesty, with oneself and others.
These values were passed down to me through my Italian family. First, from my great grandparents, Vito and Anna, then to my grandmother, Marisa, then from her to my father to me. Despite the loss of my father to suicide at fifteen years old, and the trauma which followed that tragedy, I worked hard to pass those same values on to my own children.
Our family life wasn’t easy to begin with, and I often made mistakes, but like all good parents, Claire and I put our children first, and somehow, we managed to get ‘parenting’ right most of the time. We’re very proud of the people our girls have become. They’re both hard-working mums with big hearts and generous, compassionate souls. If the truest measure of a person is the people we create, then Claire and I both take comfort from looking at our children, and the grandchildren they are now raising.
My sense of self was seriously undermined this year, but it never disappeared.
Being here in Poggibonsi, with my Italian family and old friends I haven’t seen for 35 years, but who somehow still know me, is both humbling and invigorating. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life – we all do - but looking back helps me to understand who I am and why I am who I am.
Looking back reminds me of values that were nurtured and passed on to me through generations of simple, hard-working, honest people.
Looking back gives me comfort to accept who and what I am, and where I’m going.
Looking back reminds that I come from a place of authenticity, honesty and integrity.
Looking back compels me to be honest with myself.
Looking back teaches me how to move forward.
Looking back is a lesson for life, and for business.
If you can’t look back, you can’t look forward.
If you can’t look forward, you can’t possibly live a good life or run a business.
Looking back is essential.
My advice (FWIW) is to ignore the advice that’s so often dispensed by well-meaning people and try it. It might be good for you.
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